Matthew J. Harmon: Minneapolis, Minnesota, États-Unis, Earth

Action and Adventure on the High Seas of Information Security

If Carpenters were hired like Programmers (or Consultants)

Jun 24, 2014

Hammer & Crooked Nail by Matthew J. Harmon

I recently had an interaction with an information security recruiter that went scarily like the parable below except he kept insisting on a Curriculum Viatæ detailing specific technologies worked on within sensitive environments. He further appeared to have zero grasp as to OpSec or understand the position he was recruiting. That, or he was hunting for a detailed resume so he could use it for leads on on his next client as happens unfortunately often these days.

Interviewer: So, you're a carpenter, are you?
Carpenter: That's right, that's what I do.

Interviewer: How long have you been doing it?
Carpenter: Ten years.

Interviewer: Great, that's good. Now, I have a few technical questions to ask you to see if you're a fit for our team. OK?
Carpenter: Sure, that'd be fine.

Interviewer: First of all, we're working in a subdivision building a lot of brown houses. Have you built a lot of brown houses before?
Carpenter: Well, I'm a carpenter, so I build houses, and people pretty much paint them the way they want.

Interviewer: Yes, I understand that, but can you give me an idea of how much experience you have with brown? Roughly.
Carpenter: Gosh, I really don't know. Once they're built I don't care what color they get painted. Maybe six months?

Interviewer: Six months? Well, we were looking for someone with a lot more brown experience, but let me ask you some more questions.
Carpenter: Well, OK, but paint is paint, you know.

Interviewer: Yes, well. What about walnut?
Carpenter: What about it?

Interviewer: Have you worked much with walnut?
Carpenter: Sure, walnut, pine, oak, mahogony -- you name it.

Interviewer: But how many years of walnut do you have?
Carpenter: Gosh, I really don't know -- was I supposed to be counting the walnut?

Interviewer: Well, estimate for me.
Carpenter: OK, I'd say I have a year and a half of walnut.

Interviewer: Would you say you're an entry level walnut guy or a walnut guru?
Carpenter: A walnut guru? What's a walnut guru? Sure, I've used walnut.

Interviewer: But you're not a walnut guru?
Carpenter: Well, I'm a carpenter, so I've worked with all kinds of wood, you know, and there are some differences, but I think if you're a good carpenter ...

Interviewer: Yes, yes, but we're using Walnut, is that OK?
Carpenter: Walnut is fine! Whatever you want. I'm a carpenter.

Interviewer: What about black walnut?
Carpenter: What about it?

Interviewer: Well we've had some walnut carpenters in here, but come to find out they weren't black walnut carpenters. Do you have black walnut experience?
Carpenter: Sure, a little. It'd be good to have more for my resume, I suppose.

Interviewer: OK. Hang on let me check off the box...
Carpenter: Go right ahead.

Interviewer: OK, one more thing for today. We're using Rock 5.1 to bang nails with. Have you used Rock 5.1?
Carpenter: [Turning white...] Well, I know a lot of carpenters are starting to use rocks to bang nails with since Craftsman bought a quarry, but you know, to be honest I've had more luck with my nailgun. Or a hammer, for that matter. I find I hit my fingers too much with the rock, and my other hand hurts because the rock is so big.

Interviewer: But other companies are using rocks. Are you saying rocks don't work?
Carpenter: No, I'm not saying rocks don't work, exactly, it's just that I think nail guns work better.

Interviewer: Well, our architects have all started using rocks, and they like it.
Carpenter: Well, sure they do, but I bang nails all day, and -- well, look, I need the work, so I'm definitely willing to use rocks if you want. I try to keep an open mind.

Interviewer: OK, well we have a few other candidates we're looking at, so we'll let you know.
Carpenter: Well, thanks for your time. I enjoyed meeting you.



Interviewer: Hello?
Carpenter: Hello. Remember me, I'm the carpenter you interviewed for the black walnut job. Just wanted to touch base to see if you've made a decision.

Interviewer: Actually, we have. We liked your experience overall, but we decided to go with someone who has done a lot of work with brown.
Carpenter: Really, is that it? So I lost the job because I didn't have enough brown?

Interviewer: Well, it was partly that, but partly we got the other fellow a lot cheaper.
Carpenter: Really -- how much experience does he have?

Interviewer: Well, he's not really a carpenter, he's a car salesman -- but he's sold a lot of brown cars and he's worked with walnut interiors.
Carpenter: [click]

Archived from: "If Carpenters Were Hired Like Programmers." (accessed June 24, 2014).

Matthew J. Harmon
Matthew J. Harmon -

Passionate security researcher, entrepreneur, consultant. Owner, founder, maker, mentor, teacher.

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